im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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