You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
