I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
