I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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