And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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