i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
