Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
