I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
