my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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