And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
