If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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