we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
