Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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