searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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