i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
