Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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