He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
