Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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