They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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