are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
