her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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