Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
