The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
