if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
