My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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