i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
