I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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