I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
