Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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