He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
