Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
