My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
