I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
