i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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