Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
