Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize