can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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