Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
