my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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