Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
