I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
