You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love having hate sex.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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