Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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