I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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