you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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