apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this hospital has no fireball
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
