do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
