I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
