Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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