If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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