How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
