I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
