got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize