Your face is a jimmy john
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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