Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Its about making memories worth repressing
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
