I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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