you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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